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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

You Can't Always Get What You Want, But If You Try Sometimes, You Learn to Let It Be

     I don't believe in coincidence. Not at all. I really believe that everything that happens to us is part of a greater plan that we cannot understand or even conceive. I know. I'm a science teacher. I'm supposed to subscribe to the notion of randomness in the universe and have no faith in a higher power. Well, I'm not your typical science teacher. It's actually my scientific appreciation that leads me to this conclusion. The universe is so vast. The world is so complex, and the relationships between living things are so intricate and perfectly balanced and organized that there has to be an order to it all. We are so small as a species and our minds are so limited, how could we be so presumptuous  to think we could figure it all out. I accept that there are things that I can never and will never understand.
     I believe that everything really DOES happen for a reason. I know.  It's such a cliche. And when things are really sucking in your life, there is no comfort in that phrase. If anything, it just makes you feel angry. Why do I have to suffer this? Why did God let this happen? What have I done to earn such bad karma? Was it Tennyson who said, "Ours is not to wonder why, ours is but to do and die"? (Well I know Colonel Mustard said it, and then I think Mrs. Peacock yells, "DIE!" But I digress...) I subscribe to the belief that humans are spiritual beings trapped in a physical existence. We are here to experience human life with all its joys and tragedies. We are here with a plan and a lesson to learn. (Check out last week's post You Don't Have to Eat a Bacon Flavored Cricket.... ) Eventually we all die and return to our true spiritual existence bringing that knowledge with us. This is all fine and well, but it doesn't help me feel any less pain. Exactly, because you are SUPPOSED to feel that pain. It won't last forever. You will survive it, and if you don't it's because your time here is over. If you do survive, though, there is a lesson to be learned. There is always a lesson when we look back. Hind-sight is always 20/20.

     I can think of so many examples, but perhaps I will share one of my own. When my oldest daughter was two, I decided I wanted another child. I was going to get pregnant. I checked my ovulation; I counted the days; I even did a fertility ritual in the expectation that I would get pregnant. And I did. Immediately. And 10 weeks later, my baby died. I was devastated, but I was going to get passed it. I grieved and I prayed, and with the help of my family, I accepted the loss. And the I started over. As soon as the doctor said it was safe,  I checked my ovulation; I counted the days, and again, I got pregnant. 6 weeks later, I found out that my baby had died.  And I asked, Why?  I thought I was done. I learned my lesson that I need to be patient. Why are You doing this to me again? I remember coming to consciousness after my D and C hearing Paul singing, "I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, Let it be." I had to accept that there was something I wasn't seeing. That there was a larger plan. And I gave up.  I felt compelled in the height of my grief to pray the Rosary. And I prayed and prayed and prayed. But not for a baby. I prayed for the strength to get through my grief and to accept my path.  At some point in my confusion and pain I realized that I had to give in.  I knew in my heart that there was a soul who was destined to be my child. She was a specific soul who was coming into this world when her time was here. It was not my choice. When it was her time to come, the right egg and sperm would fuse and she would begin her life. And in June of 2008, she did, and my life was forever changed.

     This was my journey. On it I felt great joy and great anguish. I grew closer to my husband. I developed a depth of faith like I had never known. And through all of the medical testing I underwent, I found out that I have two medical issues that needed attention.  At some point, I gave in to the greater plan. I let go. And I found peace knowing that I would get through whatever was sent my way. This was the lesson I was supposed to learn. One that I could never have learned if I had never experienced great loss.  On your journey, you too will experience great joys and great anguish. And it is no coincidence that you were brought here at this moment to read my words. Nor is it one that I was brought here to type them. We cannot possibly know the lessons we are supposed to learn. If  we did, we wouldn't need to learn them. You can't always get what you want. But according to Kieth and Mick, "if you try sometimes, you get what you need."

1 comment:

  1. I love that you fused two of the most beautiful songs ever in this post. I also loved the thoughts you shared here... we grieve, we survive, "we plan and God laughs"... we live. So the most important thing is to survive with love intact. You are a wonderful science teacher. XO