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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Waaaaaiiiiiiting Is The Hardest Part

     Divine Timing: This is the idea that everything that is supposed to happen will happen only when it is supposed to happen. No sooner, no later. Divine timing sucks. Well, not really. When we experience an event that we sense was divinely timed, we are always so grateful for the experience. We say things like, "Hindsite is 20/20," or "It was just meant to be," or "You see, everything happens for a reason." But when we are on the waiting end of divine timing, it just sucks. "I don't understand!" "When is my ship going to come in?" "Why can't I catch a break?" "What did I do to deserve this?" Sometimes we get angry with God. Sometimes we question our faith all together. Divine timing comes with lessons.
     It feels like I am always learning the lesson of divine timing. I used to think it was patience, but now I realize it's actually a lesson of surrender, letting go of the illusion of control and just going with the flow of the universe. It's not easy. It comes with feelings of anger, grief, longing, fear, and sometimes that feeling like someone ripped out your heart and stabbed it with a large sword over and over and over again. Sometimes it's small things, like waiting for a check and fearing that you won't eat next week or that you might lose your car or house, only to find the check in the mail the day before everything is due. Sometimes it's big things, like waiting for love or a life changing career opportunity, or a baby. I know a lot of people waiting for big things.
     Many of you already know the long story of how I waited for my second daughter after 2 years of trying and miscarriages. Many of you lived through it, and supported me during that awful time. Some of you are experiencing similar challenges right now, and have endured so much more than I did and are still waiting. But the point is, my little monkey came on March 9, 2009. This date is significant. At some point during the ordeal, I remember just saying, "Our baby is there somewhere in heaven, waiting to come to us. He will get here when he is ready. When the stars are perfectly aligned. When one specific sperm meets one specific egg. When everything is perfect." And, she did. I never had any doubt that I would have her. I knew she was coming, and because I knew with every fiber of my being, I was trying to bring her here when I wanted her." I did a whole lot of praying during that time. At some point my prayers shifted from asking to get pregnant to asking for strength to endure the wait. I had a very close relationship with my late great-grandmother, Teresa. I always have. I look to her for guidance, I have seen her in dreams and she has greatly influenced my spiritual path. She supported me from "the other side" in so many ways, that when my daughter was finally born, I gave her the middle name Terese in her honor. I loved that she was born on 3/9/09 because I love numbers, and 3s and 9s have great significance to me. However, what I would find out 2 years later is that the date is even more special than I could then realize. My great-grandmother Teresa was an immigrant from Italy in the early 1900's. When she came through Ellis Island, like many immigrants, her records were distorted and confused. For some reason, my family always celebrated her birthday in January. One day last year, I came across some papers at my parents' house from my dad's family, and found 2 references for my great grandmother's birthdate. One just said March ?. The other said March 9. MARCH 9TH?! What?????!!!! My little monkey, who was named after her, she who spiritually held my hand through the entire journey, was born on her birthday! Coinicidence? No such thing. God's hand. Divine timing. Everything was as it should be. God's plan, not mine. 
     And here we are. Waiting. All of us are waiting for something, aren't we? That next big idea, that financial windfall, that precious baby, that true love, that moment when we finally arrive. It's not easy. It sucks. It hurts. Sometimes it downright makes you physically ill. I urge you not to lose faith, though. It will happen when it's supposed to. No sooner. No later. And all we can really do is pray for strength and help each other endure. And we will endure. Each and every one of us will get through. I promise. This too shall pass.  Until then, I pray that you are surrounded by love and light, and that you find joy in the small moments in between. Because, really, that's all we can do, be present in THIS moment.