Be Not Afraid

     Happily-Ever-After! It's a tall order, I know. Sometimes life just sucks. And we wonder why. What did I do to deserve this? I already spoke about how we can't always get what we want, but sometimes we get things we really don't want. And what then? Very often we question our faith. We pray for some sort of miracle that will suddenly make everything ok. We bargain with God. Please please please, if you just ...., I promise I will... and nothing changes. And then we get angry with God. Why did you do this to me? And some of us even doubt God. How can there be a God when .....happens? The problem is that most of us say we have faith, but we don't really understand faith.

     Really having faith is much more complex than believing in God. It's much more difficult than going to chuch or temple every week. In fact, faith is not something you have at all. It's something you live. It's taking the high road when the low road seems much more satisfying. It's forgiving another person when your heart is broken. It's opening your heart to strangers in need. It's giving your prescious time to someone you love. And it's accepting that God loves you and that the plan for your life is greater than this horrible moment in time. Living your faith doesn't always come naturally or easily. I believe that's because as humans we are flawed by the limitations of our minds and bodies. We are unable to see the big picture of our lives. It's like when you watch a movie for the first time. The sad parts affect you so much that first time. Then you get to the happy ending and you get it. The sad part was necessary for the progression of the plot. The next time you see that same movie, you notice all of the little things you missed last time because you were focusing on what was about to happen. The sad parts don't affect you as much, if at all. We're watching the movie of our lives for the first time. We spend so much time anticipating the future that we often miss the details that shape the present. And as Franklin Lloyd Wright said, "God is in the details." When we look back at our lives from a ripe old age, the sad parts don't seem to affect us as much, and we understand all of the crazy plot twists that had us so confused. Hind sight really is 20/20.
     Recently my life has had its own plot twist. My husband might have a life-changing illness. I say might because we are waiting for more tests that are weeks away. Last week we had the talk. Neither one of us wanted to admit what we were both thinking the illness is because we were too afraid to say it out loud. As we stood there in our kitchen facing the possibility of what might become the most difficult year of our lives thus far, we held each other and I cried. Then I went up to my room and cried some more while I prayed. When I got to the part of the Novena where I was supposed to ask for something, I stopped. What am I asking for? I can't really ask for it to go away. The wheels are already set in motion. For whatever reason, this is a part of our destiny. I have faith that this is part of our plan. So what do I pray for? Strength, courage, guidance and  wisdom. The ability to make the right decisons, and the guidance to know how to best support my family. And after that, I was able to let go. It doesn't make sense to let my worries take over. Until his test, we don't really know what it is. So I can't really do anything but wait.... and pray. And in the mean time, I somehow feel surrounded by peace. As if I am being lifted up from under my arms and carried through each day. The harder days are ahead of me and I can't help but to feel afraid of what I don't know. But as the fear begins to fill up my belly and my insides begin to twist, I take a deep breath. I know that I will be carried through this storm. I  know that in the end, whatever the outcome is, I will get through it. We will get through it. I have never had to walk through this life alone. And I never will. This is my faith. I live and breath it every day. I try to be the best person that I can possibly be. I only want to live a life that makes me worthy of the love and support with which I have always been surrounded. Somehow this allows me to find joy in life even in my darkest of days. This is how I live happily ever after.