Abbodanza!

     A few years ago (okay, 21 years ago...ugh) my sister got 2 tickets to see her idol, Liza Minnelli in concert. My mom was going with her, so my dad and I decided to take a ride into the city for a "Daddy date," and we got tickets to the only Broadway musical at the time that he was willing to tolerate, "The Most Happy Fella." All I remember about it was that it took place in Italy, (which is the ONLY reason he wanted to see it) and it opened with a song called, "Abbodanza," which means abundance in Italian. The cast was singing about being grateful for abundance. Ever since then, I use that word in my inner monlogue whenever I am feeling blessed about the abundance in my life. Thanksgiving dinner, for example. Recently, in my meditations and prayers for guidance, I frequently receive the same recurring messages:

Focus your intentions, Melissa. Think about what you want, not what you lack. See what you want, let go of worries. Surrender and release your concerns to God and know that everything is taken care of. Focus on abundance. Watch your thoughts. You are manifesting what you think about. Only think about what you want, not what you lack.

"Yes, I understand. I hear you. I am grateful for all that I have," I say. I did the whole, make a list of everything you want to manifest thing. I told other people to do it. I understood. Thoughts carry energy. "You bring about what you think about." Stay positive and you will manifest positive things. I even wrote about this 2 1/2 years ago (All You Need Is Love). I did understand, but I didn't comprehend. I thought I did, but I really didn't. I was frequently worrying about money, and things were getting frighteningly worse by the week. I was asking for help. I was asking for guidance, and naturally, it came when I wasn't expecting it.
     I was at work grading state assessments.  My friend, *Genie, was sitting across from me. Genie has been a sort of mentor for me. I passed a remark about my money troubles and she offered some advice. I said, "I know, but I am not that worried because like I always say, we always get by." She looked at me and said. "If that's what you say, then all you'll ever get is 'by.' You don't want to just 'get by.' You want to thrive." OMG!  LIGHTBULB! (I was actually finding lightbulbs for a couple of days. I know... only me.)

This one was on my kitchen
counter when I got home.

 She was right. I was manifesting living week to week. So I wrote down an affirmation. "Thank you, God, for helping me with my financial problems." She looked at it and shook her head, "You mentioned problems. Too negative." Okay, let me try, again "Thank you God for giving me more than I need." She shook her head again. "You mentioned need." She took the pencil. "I am grateful for abundance." (In my head I heard, abbodanza!)  "It's simple and positive,"  she said, "and abundance can come in many forms." Perfect. I took the pencil and wrote it down myself.

I found this 2 weeks later when I was paying my bills. It snuck it into a pile of  bills to be paid. A little reminder from my guardian angels. (Which I needed.) I added the top part that day, "I am grateful that we always have more than enough to share."

I went home and chanted it. I was focused on saying it over and over again. I wrote down 9 times and burned it. I WILL MANIFEST ABUNDANCE. (That's the witch in me. When I want something, I focus my intention and I manifest it.) Now, short of winning the lottery (which I never play), I understood that the manifestation of cash would take time and work.  Manifestation comes in the form of ideas and opportunities for financial growth. The angels, however, know that I need constant validation (a flaw in my faith, I know, but I am working on it) and they also know that I have a sense of humor, love irony and that I especially love it when they surprise me. Over that weekend, I noticed that I kept finding pens everywhere. In my car. On the floor. In my bedroom. Pens were popping up everywhere. It became comical. I had a flashback of myself at my desk like a week before yelling about the fact that I could never find a pen, "WHY DON'T I EVER HAVE A PEN?! GRRRRR!" OH, I never had a pen because I kept saying THAT. Now I am finding pens everywhere. On Monday, I opened my desk drawer.  There were BOXES of pens and pencils in there. Wait a second, last week Dawn was cleaning up from the grading and said she was going to leave all the pens in my desk because she didn't know what else to do with them... that was the same day I was writing "I am grateful for abundance" with Genie. 

Did you think I was exaggerating?

ABBODANZA! 

     I had an abundance of pens. I now have pens and pencils everywhere: 2 or 3 in my car, like 5 in my pocketbook, maybe 100 in my kitchen...  Now I keep saying, "I always have pens," and I do.






     Suddenly I got it. It clicked. It didn't stop there. Remember my rosebushes from last month's, Lessons From My Rosebush)? I have never seen so many roses in my life. I have an abundance of roses.

   

Abbodanza!

      Yesterday, I was reorganizing my Angel-baby's closet. I counted 36 t-shirts. Who needs 36 t-shirts? Abbodanza. She has an abundance of clothing. (Thanks to Grandma!) That's when the second part of the lesson kicked in. It's more than just saying that you are grateful for something you want to manifest. It's more than just writing and saying the words. The second part is seeing the abundance you already have and truly being grateful for it. When you are grateful, you are focusing on your blessings, you manifest more blessings. It's like a positive feedback loop in your endocrine system. The hormone produced stimulates the gland to make more of that hormone. The more hormone you have, the more you make. The more blessings you count, the more blessings you receive. (Were you wondering when I would add the science? You were, weren't you? Anyway...) Now I say I am grateful for everything I want more of.

I am grateful for my good health.
I am grateful for fearless open hearted love.
I am grateful that I always hear my divine guidance.
I am grateful that I always know how to help others.
And my favorite, I am grateful that I always have more than enough to share.

Because the fact is, I AM very blessed. I am surrounded by love. My basic needs are always met, and I get the joy and privilege of doing God's work in some small way every day which fills me with a joyful overflow of love that is beyond description. I know that He will always provide, and I recently learned a lesson in receiving that I will share in a future posting that has opened my mind and heart to a bright new future where everything will be very different for me and my family. I am so blessed! And so are you. Open your eyes to the abundance around YOU. What are you grateful for? Say it out loud right now. Find something, anything and thank God for it. If you are truly grateful, you will manifest more of those things. I promise.

As always, I wish you all love and blessed joy. May you all experience ABBODANZA. I am so grateful that so many of you "like" and "share" my page on facebook and twitter, and help me get my messages out to the world! And as always, my love for you is "greater than 3."

>3!   

*Genie is not her real name. In fact, she's more of an angel than a genie. 0:-)

I'm Jumping Off The Bridge!

     I am a dreamer. I dream every night. Vivid, complex meaningful dreams. Sometimes I am in the dreams. Sometimes I am not. If I don't like a dream, I can stop it and wake myself up. My dreams are significant and highly symbolic. I see the world symbolically, so my guides often speak to me through my dreams because they know that I will understand.

This is the Throgs Neck bridge that spans NYC's East River.
It frequently appears in my fear dreams
Image from: http://www.nycroads.com/crossings/throgs-neck/

    I have always had these dreams about bridges. They vary in theme. Sometimes I am in a car, sometimes I am walking. The bridge is always over a raging river (usually the East or the Bronx which are both very deep with strong currents), and I am always worried in the dream about either getting lost once I get to other side of the bridge or I am paralyzed with fear as I cling to the structure. These are my nightmares: getting lost in the Bronx, driving off the bridge with my children in the car sinking into the river, or just falling into the river alone. Do you get the symbolism here? 

     I am a bridge crosser.  I always have an idea where I want to be in life.  I make a decision that I am going to cross the bridge to get there. I decide, then I go, but I never make it over the bridge. When I know I want something, I decide to make it happen. I start across the bridge. However, as I have learned many times, I do not have that much control. I can try to cross the bridge, but I always end up in the river forced to go with the flow. I always get what I want, but often it comes in ways I don't expect. You see, I THINK what I want is across the bridge, but it's really down river. When I am on the bridge, I have the illusion of control. Then I end up in the river where I have no control, and then I get there anyway.

    Last night I dreamt that I was on a boat with my dad. I wasn't piloting it, I was a passenger. We were speeding along this super fast current and I couldn't help but notice all the bridges. Were were zipping along with the river going under all different types of bridges. I couldn't believe how fast we were getting to the city and I said to him, "I never knew this was here. What a great way to commute."  When I woke up this morning, I knew that there was something significant about the fact that I was suddenly racing to my destination by going under the bridges. I recently made a decision to stop chasing my destiny. I have an idea what's down the river for me. It's something wonderful. Something really big. And I have been working very hard to get what I want. Too hard. I have been trying to cross  bridges. I finally understand that I am supposed to be in the river. The river, that I have been so afraid of drowning in is faith. Now I am on course racing to my destiny. I have faith that my prayers have been heard and that as long as I follow the voice in my gut, live with an open mind and an open heart, the river will take me to where I need to be quickly and effortlessly.

     There are 3 types of people in this world. Bridge crossers (who are in constant struggle), floaters (who everything always just seems to fall into place for), and runners. I know a couple of runners. Runners dip their toes in the river. They float along for a bit, but every time the river brings them close to their desired outcome, they get out of the river and run. They run as fast as the can from the love of their lives, the new job opportunity, the weight loss program..... whatever it is that is their deepest desire. Runners fear change. Runners fear everything. Eventually they get tired of running and get back in the river. They float along towards their destiny, but as soon as they start to feel something good, they get out and run again. Some people spend their lives running. This is tragic. God will keep giving them what they need to break the cycle. Some runners will eventually figure it out and take the leap of faith. 

     You don't have to be a runner for the rest of your life. You don't have to be a bridge crosser either.  Normally, I would say that if your friends told you to jump off a bridge you shouldn't, but today I am saying, "JUMP!" Please jump. Your life will become so much easier if you just jump and let the river take you. God will always give you what you need to thrive. God will always surround you with people who love you. You just have to accept the gift. Will you? Or will you run and hide in the cave with Plato watching shadows on the wall in fear while life's magick happens without you? You make a  choice to be unhappy. You make a choice to live in fear. 

     There is a reason why John baptized Jesus in the river. Even if you are not Christian, you can see the beauty of that symbolism. (I thought about making a joke here about being in "de-Nile" of your inner wisdom, but decided it was too corny.) Just let go. Listen to your heart and know that you will always be okay. Fear is just the illusion that somehow God might make a mistake. If you believe in an all powerful perfect God, there is never any reason for fear.... just faith.

As always, I wish you love and happiness. I pray that you will get your feet wet and let the current take you to where you have always been meant to be.

>3!

http://www.nycroads.com/crossings/throgs-neck/

The Unloved

(I found this beautiful image at 101doves.com/?p=113)

     Yesterday, I was sitting with two of my best girlfriends killing time while our girls were in gymnastics class. (I say killing time, but really its precious time because with our busy lives it's often the only time during the week that we get to sit down together.) My friend's father-in-law passed away this week, and the typical family drama ensued. We were talking about this one particular person who creates drama and brings toxic energy that has caused division within the family. My friend Ally said this, "Those who are hurting hurt others." No truer words have ever been spoken.

     People hurt other people all the time. Sometimes intentionally, and sometimes unintentionally. More often the hurting is not intentional, but a result of the hurter being lost, confused or acting out of fear. As I wrote in a previous post The F-Word, (Forgiveness) we all have lessons to learn. If you look at a situation objectively (from God's perspective), each person in the situation has a lesson to learn. The end result may be down right tragic. And if either party doesn't learn his lesson, they will each be doomed to repeat the lessons again and again until they find their way. Now you're thinking, If someone else has a lesson to learn, and is causing harm to other people as a result, why do I have to allow him to hurt me so that he may learn his lesson?" Well, you don't. I didn't say you have to accept another person's hurtful behavior. You should not allow anyone to harm you. If someone you love, even if it's your own child, is hurting you, physically or mentally, you need to find your strength and remove yourself from the situation and avoid contact with that person. That may be your lesson. Forgiveness is not about giving someone permission to do anything, it's about accepting that we are all flawed and a works in progress. Forgiveness is really about moving on and letting go of the pain. That said, today, I am focused on the hurters of this world.

     We pray for victims all the time. When we hear tragic stories on the news or in our lives, we grieve, we weep, and we pray for victims of abuse. How often do you pray for the abuser? What? Why would I pray for that monster? I know, it seems outrageous to even think about. But think about this: Why is that person a monster? What happened to her that brought her so far from God, that she cannot see or sometimes even understand that she is causing pain? She is lost. She is confused. She is in a very dark place and has lost her connection to the light. That is precisely the reason she needs your prayers.

     If we are to reclaim this world in the name of love and light, we need to give our attention to the evildoers. Yes, they need justice. They need to receive consequences for their actions. That's a given. But they also need your prayers. Look at the person as a fire burning out of control. He is in pain and burning everything in his path. When you think about him, it is with hatred and anger. You wish something bad would happen to him. Your thoughts are not harmless. You are throwing more negative energy his way. This just increases the darkness. It's like throwing gasoline on the fire. Now he becomes darker and moves further and further away from God.

     What if you could throw water on the fire instead of gasoline? What if instead of saying, "I hope he burns in hell," you say, "I hope he finds his way back to God." What if you pray, "Help him to find healing?" What if you ask God to shower him in light and love hoping to penetrate the darkness? The only way to fight darkness is with light. Pure divine light of God's love. Again, this doesn't mean you are saying what he did is right or okay in anyway. It is saying, "God, this person has lost his way and is hurting other people. Please heal him and bring him back into the light so that the hurting of others can stop." 

     When we let ourselves become so angry and hurt that we wish evil on evildoers, we are serving evil. When we pray that all humanity be healed in God's love, no matter how evil a person is, we are serving God. We are doing His work. Think about that. Think of three people right now who have hurt you so much that you avoid them. Now imagine a giant bucket filled with God's light and love filled to the brim and overflowing. Now dump it on their heads. Do this every time you think of them. You don't have to go see them. You shouldn't. They are still going to be toxic. But maybe, if we pray for them enough, they will start to find their ways back to God. And, at the very least, we can know for sure that we are serving God in our thoughts and actions and no one else. It's a small way that we can fight the good fight against evil.

Sending you all love and light from the bottom of my heart. May you be healed and find peace in your hearts and souls today and always.
 >3!     

Lessons From My Rosebush

     I have a thing for roses. Many of you know that I love daisies, and I do, but there's something about roses. Roses have a divinity about them. They are dicots which means they have flower parts in multiples of 5s. 5, 10 or 15 petals, 5, 10 or 15 stamen, 5, 10 or 15 pistols and so on. 5 is a sacred number. The pentacle, or 5 pointed star, represents the communion and balance of the forces of nature (earth, wind, water and fire) with the 5th element, the divine energy of the universe (God). The perfect pentacle has a perfect pentagram at its center. It exhibits divine geometry in the ratio of its parts. 5 is the number of change, journey and lessons learned in life. It can be associated with loss, conflict, growth, and perseverance. There is a reason why Catholics pray the Rosary to venerate Mary. 5 sets of 10 Hail Marys. It's called the ROSary and Mary often communicates her support through the changes in life with the appearance of roses. The reason I grow roses is to honor Mary, Queen of Heaven, who has supported me through all of the 5's in my life.

     This past Sunday was Mother's Day here in the US. I celebrated with brunch, went to church, spent time with my family (the uz), but there was some time in between to do whatever I wanted in the warm sunlight of a perfect day. I decided that I needed to prune my rosebushes. Nobody bothered me, it was bliss. (What most people don't realize is that is that the best gift on Mother's Day is not having to feel like a mother.) It was just me and the rosebush. I am not usually a pruner. I tend to let things just grow the way they grow, and let nature do its thing. But there were some dead branches and I figured, I should clean them up a bit so that they looked a little better. I put on some gloves, grabbed the pruning shears and got to work.       

     I started off haphazardly, just chopping away at anything that looked brown. The more I cut, the more I realized that this one particular bush was a mess. There were a lot of dead branches underneath. They were obstructing the growth of living branches causing them to get twisted and tangled. As I got deeper into the plant, my arms began to get scratched up. I could hear Brett Michaels crooning in my head, "Evvvvery rose has its thorn..." And I began to reflect on the rosebush and I started to notice the WAY it grows, and I felt like it was communicating a lesson to me.

     Rosebushes are perennials. Each year, they grow bigger, flower and fruit. Then they lose their leaves and go dormant for the winter and in the spring they begin to grow again. They grow bigger and spread their branches further out and roots deeper down every year. What I noticed was that wherever there was dead branch from last year's flowers, there was a place (at the node) nearby where new life was growing in a different direction. I realized that I needed to just trim off the dead part right up to where the new growth was branching off. Last year's dried up flower stems were useless to this year's new buds, and in some ways were taking up necessary space and resources preventing the new growth from meeting its full potential. The rosebush's past growth was inhibiting its future growth.  How true is this in our human lives.

     When we grow, we experience pain as well as beauty. Life gives us lessons each day to shape us and teach us. When we learn those lessons, we blossom. Then, we branch off in new directions and leave the old behind. The problem is, we don't always prune. We hold on to our dead branches. They no longer serve us, but we keep them there. Those dead branches bear no fruit, but they are still covered in thorns. They obstruct our growth, and unless we cut them out and release the thorns of our past, we will never grow to our fullest potential. What are you holding onto? Scars from mistakes in your past?  Anger? Sadness? Shame? Guilt? Did you learn your lesson, but still hold on to the thorns? Are those thorns causing you to repeat the same mistakes obstructing your growth? Did you so love something in your past, that you hold onto the dead branches so tightly that you cannot branch off into new directions? Are you stuck? Are you tangled up?

     This is what I learned from the rosebush:

You cannot grow to your highest potential if you hold on to the pain, loss, regret, guilt and unforgiveness left over from the lessons, the 5's, of your past. You need to release the old so that new life can manifest. It doesn't mean your new lessons will be easy. I guarantee you, they will not. New growth is full of thorns as well, but you cannot be productive unless you let go of the things that were and begin focusing on the things that are, and the beautiful blossoms that can be. 

     Take some time to be alone with yourself. Quiet your mind. Thank God for all of the lessons in your life, past present and future. Thank Him for helping you to prune the rosebush of your life.

Thank You, God for allowing me to release the pain, fear, guilt and unforgiveness of my past so that I can branch out and grow to the full potential that You have intended for me. 

As always, I wish you love and happiness. Know that you are loved infinitely for all of your imperfections and weaknesses as well as for your triumphs and talents.  May you grow and blossom this spring without the thorns of your past holding you back.

>3!

The Voices In My Head: Goodbye, Fat Girl!

      The other day, I saw a post on Facebook that said, "The way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice." You know this is true. It doesn't have to stay that way, but that's how it starts out, and for many people that is how it stays and they spend their lives struggling with issues of self esteem, insecurity and disempowerment.  Understand, I am not saying you should blame your parents for your insecurities. Surely the intent of that post was not to cast blame, but to bring awareness to parents that their words are powerful. And it's not just our parents who affect the voices in our heads, it's our siblings, our friends, other family members, teachers, even our friend's parents. We hear their voices echo in us. I am very careful of the language I use around children, not just my own. It is important to me to teach by example. Me staring in the mirror in front of my own children saying negative things about how I look will become the voice in their heads if I am not careful. We learn what we live.
     You know I have the best parents in the world, right? I am very blessed. My parents made a conscious effort to always praise my sister and me for everything about us. Hence the reason I struggle with narcism (notice all the pictures I post of myself), but the fact that I have a gorgeous sister and jaw droppingly beautiful friends always manages to keep that in check.  It sucks being the chubby best friend of the hot girl... did I mention I have body image issues?( Notice that all of said pictures are from the waist up.) Everyone always told me I was smart, so I saw myself as the smart girl.  When I was in junior high, I was teased about my weight. When I look at pictures of myself from then, I now realize that I was NOT overweight at all. I was developing earlier than my friends, so I was curvy. My family assured me I was beautiful, but the voices of the others were louder and I believed them. My prom dress was a size 4, but I was still the fat girl. I was the fat girl all through high school and throughout college.

Almost a profile. Notice the bump. 

Eventually I WAS overweight. And by the time I had met Mr. Jones who was madly in love with me for some strange reason, I had just accepted that I was always going to be the fat girl with a pretty face (but a big nose...notice no profile shots either) who was really smart, and really caring.

     I remember during my first couple of years as a teacher, I watched one of my colleagues transform by losing 70lbs on Weight Watchers. I spoke with her and thought to myself, "If I follow that program, there is no reason why I can't do that too." So I did. In 2001, I lost 55lbs over the course of 10 months, and kept it off. My wedding dress was a size 6, but I was still the fat girl. All of my honeymoon pictures have me with a jacket tied around my waist (just in case it was cold in Florida in July). The jacket covered my not flat enough stomach, and my "big fat butt."  It wasn't until I was about 30 that I realized my "fat ass" is not a bad thing (cue Queen's "Fatbottom Girls"), and I finally stopped referring to  myself as the fat girl or BFC, as I would sometimes say when I didn't want my kids to know what I was saying (Big Fat Cow).
     I remember the shift. I remember being in the car with my sister and saying, "I don't see myself as fat anymore." I think she was surprised that I still did. I am not a skinny girl by any stretch of the imagination. I am average sized and curvy. And beautiful. Yes, now I see myself as beautiful. Not because anyone told me so. Because I looked into myself one day. I looked at who I am. I looked at my relationships. I looked at all the love that was constantly pouring out of me, and I realized that I am beautiful. Not because I can squeeze "my fatass" into size 8 jeans, or because of facial symmetry or anything like that. I am beautiful because when I reached 33, I said "F-you" to the voices in my head that were not coming from a divine place and that were not my own. I told the ex-boyfriend who said I shouldn't gain anymore weight because I have such a pretty face to screw-off. I told the girl in high school who would prank me to tell me I was fat to shut the hell up. I told the kids who called me "Moolissa" (it hurts to even write it) to hit the road. I was done. And when they finally all fell silent, there was one voice. My higher self. The piece of me that is divine and knows all the secrets of the universe. The core of my being. The one person who really understood who I was inside and out. Myself.
Hello, Melissa!
Hello, confidence!
Hello, I am capable of so much more than anyone has ever given me credit for!
Hello, magick!
Hello, power!
 Hello, no one can tell me what to do or who to be or how to act! 

 Goodbye fat girl!

     The thing is, we all fall prey to those false voices. The echoes of darkness and negative people. The song of jealousy and belittlement. I felt for a long time that there was a fire in me that had been smoldering below the surface. I didn't know how to let it out. I was afraid of what it would become. I was afraid that I would go from insecure fat girl to shallow egomaniac. I didn't know how to be anything else. That was just fear and darkness. Once I took a leap of faith into myself, once I decided to be me and only me and to stop caring what everyone else thought I was or should be, that fire flared up and I became a force to be reckoned with. I don't need anyone to tell me I look pretty (even though its nice to hear sometimes.) I don't need to be told how smart I am (my ego is big enough). I don't need to be told I am good or special. I am who I am. I will not apologize for it. I am far from perfect. I have to keep that ego in check. I make tons of mistakes. My belly will never be flat. My nose will always be crooked. I am still too loud, over dramatic and yes, I think too much. But that's me. And I like me. I love me. I don't need you to love me. You need to love you!
      Do you? Love yourself, that is? What are the voices in your head telling you? Whose voices are they? Can you hear your inner voice. Or are you afraid? Socrates said, "Know thyself." I don't think many people know themselves at all. They determine their self worth by what other people tell them. When I look at you, I know who you really are when I look in your eyes. I see your beauty. I see your light even when you can't. Take a good look at yourself. Look into your own beautiful eyes. Who do you see? Introduce yourself to yourself and fall in love.

I used to work with this older lady, Annie (may she rest in peace). She used to say, "You are your own best friend." I finally understand what she meant, and now I really am.

>3! 

Anxiiiietttttyyyyy

     Funny story. I was planning to write about anxiety. Somehow I have had a problem getting started. The "geek chic" special ed. teacher sitting next to me on my break says, "Are you anxious about writing about anxiety?!" Yes. I guess I am. What if I don't find the right words? Where is the divine spark of inspiration that usually sets me off? Where are my angels whispering in my ear? Maybe that's not what I am supposed to write about. What if I don't have enough to say?..... sounds like anxiety to me.

     That's the point. Odd how inspiration hits. I needed it to me pointed out to me. The thing about anxiety, is that you don't usually even realize it is affecting you until it has totally taken over and you are consumed with irrational fear and doubt. Obsessively asking questions from the universe about how or why or when or what if. For some people, it can be completely debilitating. Stopping you in your tracks and causing you to retreat to a safe place where nothing ever changes. Some people are so paralyzed that they cannot even leave their homes. This is tragic.

     What Anxiety is: (Assuming you have faith in an all powerful, benevolent God) Anxiety is the illusion that somehow God will make a mistake. (Or, if not God) That somehow the universe is broken today and the perfection that usually organizes situations and people in our lives has become defective and somehow you are not where you are supposed to be. Anxiety is believing in the impossible. It is a lack of faith. It is nothing more than fear of the unknown. Faith is stepping into the unknown knowing that no matter what, you will be okay. Everything will work out for the best. Fear is the opposite of that. Anxiety is the physical manifestation of this fear: nervous stomach, shaking, throwing up, racing heart, sudden need to use the bathroom, and in extreme cases, full on panic attacks. Anxiety is the bondage of fear. It is the ego futilely believing it has to control outside forces, and when it realizes that it cannot, the fight or flight instinct kicks in, and you find yourself in a place of darkness. You can only control your own behavior. Remember that.

Anxiety

     Anxiety's nemesis? Clarity. The first step to conquering it is seeing it for what it is, recognize, "I am experiencing anxiety." Then look at it. You have already begun to destroy it. Once you acknowledge that it is just fear, you are no longer believing the illusion. You are seeing that it is plaguing you. The next step is to get it to stop. Begin by taking a step back. Identify what you are really worrying about. What is the source of this illusion? What is the worse case scenario? If that happens, will you be supported by family or friends? Could you ever be abandoned by God? Even is the end result brings challenges, do you really believe you can't handle them? People survived the Holocaust. You can handle this!

Clarity

     Breathe. Slowly and deeply. Breathe in light and out dark. Fear is darkness. Sit on the floor. Feel the support of the earth. Let the negative energy sink into the ground. Feel healing green light come up from the floor and surround you. Pray. Whatever prayer you know or like. I usually pray for "the clouds of illusion to be pushed aside so I can find clarity." It doesn't matter who you pray to. I pray to God, but I often call on Archangel Uriel who is the "light of God." He illuminates the darkness. But you can also say a mantra (Shanti, Shanti, Shanti....) Ask Jesus. Ask Mary (I often pray the Rosary when I need Her strength). Ask your favorite Saint or ascended master. Or just feel a oneness with the earth. The act of breathing and sitting (grounding) brings you into the present moment. Anxiety is rooted in the ambiguous future. Clarity is rooted in the present moment. Focus on where you are now. You are safe now. Everything is as it should be. God will take care of the rest. Let the clarity wash over you as you realize you will always be supported. There will always be a solution. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. You KNOW that. In your core, you know it. Stay present. Focus on the step in front of you. Don't look up the staircase, it will seem impossible. It's not. One breath at a time. When every breath fills you with love and light, there is no room for darkness.

The stairs may seem daunting, but there is light at the top, not dark.

As always, I wish you well. Remember, faith is always the answer.

>3!

Life Is Hard, Suck It Up, Stand Tall And Go Forward

    No one's life is easy. Everyone has his own cross to bear. I know you may not believe that. It's human nature to look at other people's lives and assume they have it easier than you. You base these assumptions on the face they present to you and the rest of the world. Not everyone walks around with their drama hanging out for everyone to see. That girl who always posts funny things about her life on Facebook never says how hard it is to get up every morning knowing she's still not pregnant. She doesn't want you to know. That guy who always posts pictures of himself partying with beautiful women never says how he wakes up alone every morning dreaming about the "one that got away." That woman who always has a bright smile on her face, the perfect clothes, the perfect body, will never show you how powerless she feels. And that woman who always seems to know the perfect thing to say or write to make you feel better without even trying doesn't drone on about how terrified she is about what she fears lies ahead in her own future. We all have something. And yes, there are people who are not suffering right now at this moment, but it doesn't mean they haven't had their share, or that they won't have a greater cross to bear in the future. Like I said, Life Is Hard! Not for everyone at the same time in the same way, but it's still hard.
      There's a school of thought that suggests that we all came into this life with a plan. We chose the people who would be our family, our careers, our challenges, our lessons and even the possible times we can die before we were even conceived. Our free will gives us opportunity to make choices about how we get to these preplanned places in our lives, but there are some things that are inescapable...destiny. When you look at life this way, it changes your perspective on hardship. You begin to see it as a combination of a sum total of all the choices you have made during this life and the divine plan that you and God decided was your purpose. Hardships, when viewed as lessons, become a means to an end. Growing pains. Sometimes we are slow to learn our lessons. Some people can never see the higher plan and never get out of the ego-based, poor-me syndrome. Some people repeat the same lessons over and over again never learning and live a life full of pain.
     I am going to share something very personal with you. I am scared. I see the road ahead of me,and  it is full of challenges. I have much to learn. My future is an uphill climb.  This is not pessimism. It is a reality. My guides have been preparing me and I am at the beginning of a huge transition in more than one area of my life. Yesterday, I fell apart. I slipped into a desperate fear based darkness and I prayed, tears in my eyes for help. I closed my eyes and breathed into a meditation clearing my mind. This is what I saw:

Altarpiece Of St. Michael, Gerard David

      I stood at a crossroads. There were three roads in front of me. At the head of the road to the left there was a demon. I looked at him. He was the embodiment of my fear. On the middle path I saw nothing at first. Then I saw Archangel Michael swoop down in all his glory. He stood between me and fear. I then realized that my three guardian angels were beside me, Peter, Charlotte and Charlene. To my right I felt the Glorious Presence of The Blessed Mother. I heard her say, "Let it go, My child." She was speaking of my fear and control issues. Then in front of me, I saw Him. Jesus. Calmly, patiently reaching out his hand. I ran into His arms. He held me. I said, "I am so scared." Then I saw the path. There was Mr. Jones, standing at the edge of the road, reaching out his hand.  Up ahead on the road there stood a knight on a black horse watching and waiting. He was not a "knight in shining armor" coming to save me. He was dark. His armor was black, dull and well beaten. He had seen many battles. He was not going to save me from anything. He was a Templar. One of God's knights assigned to protect the faithful on their journeys through the Holy Land. Like I said, he was not there to protect me from my battles, but he was prepared to walk beside me on this long journey ahead. I would begin this journey into the unknown. I had a choice. I could take the path of fear and walk alone, or I could take up my sword of faith. With Jesus beside me, the angels and guides to lead the way, I knew that even though the journey ahead of me will be difficult, I will always be supported as long as I walk the path of the faithful. God will always provide for everything I need. I know that. I know that with every ounce of my being. But I will still have to battle the fear. The demon remained the whole time. They did not destroy him. I tried to plunge my sword into him, but it was to no avail. He remains. I can still see him lingering in my periphery. Grotesque, and sinister.
     The point is, that when I speak about surrendering to God, giving Him the reins and letting go of fear and ego, I speak from my own experience. I am not any better of than you. Yes, I celebrate my blessings openly and publicly, but I suffer just like everyone else. I refuse to surrender to the darkness. I refuse to walk down that path. I hold my faith. I step forward cautiously. I constantly pray for guidance and protection. Life is hard, but you never have to walk alone. I know my visions are Judeo-Christian based. They showed me what I would understand. Maybe you have a different faith construct. Maybe you walk with Buddah, or Ganesh, or Lakshmi or Abraham. That's not the important part. The point is, that when you walk in faith, the darkness cannot get you. We all have challenges ahead of us. If we didn't, we would be on the cusp of death. We would be finished. I am not finished. And today I am gathering my strength, and stepping foreword in faith knowing that I will not have to fight anything alone. I will not let the demons get me. And neither should you. Go forward. You will never be left alone if you choose the path of faith. You don't have to be able to see the bumps in the road ahead. God will light the way one step at a time. The trick is, you have to ask, and you have to know it's true.