How far is Heaven?

     I woke up this morning with that song in my head. ("How Far is Heaven," by Los Lonely boys) It actually started playing in the middle of the night when my little one came in at 2:31 to tell me she couldn't find Baby. If you knew my little angel, you would know that not knowing where her "Baby and Purple Blankie" are is a full scale emergency and warrants me stumbling downstairs in my underwear to seek out her Princess backpack to rescue Baby from her dark prison. That's when I realized the soundtrack in my head had changed. (I went to bed trying to drown out Taylor Swift whining about her "Trouble"by praying to release the anxiety caused by the money trouble I was uselessly worrying about. When I finally gave that to Mary to handle for me, I was able to clear my head and sleep.... that's when "They" planted today's message) At 5:40, when my alarm wore off, it was still playing, throughout my morning prayers, shower, hair drying/make-up ritual, and finally when I was feeding the dog, I asked, "Ok, so how far IS Heaven?" The answer came immediately in the form of another song (of course), (Warrant, this time) "Heaven isn't to far awaaaay.... Closer to it everydaaaay....No matter what your friends might saaaay...."  So there's your answer. Simple right? Or not.

     Not. 

     As a kid, I always had this image of Heaven. It's this place way up in the sky where God and all the saints and profits sit on the clouds eating chocolate cake with the angels. Everyone is happy. Then that image shifted to an island paradise and this idea that whatever you like on Earth you get lots of in heaven... yay, more chocolate cake, right?! Wrong. Heaven is not Disney World, but it is the happiest place on Earth. That's right on Earth. Heaven is right here. It is all around you. You just can't see it.... or maybe you are open enough that you can. We can get glimpses of it. I've had blissful moments where I have felt so connected to the divine, that the illusions of this world fade away and I just exist in a state of pure joy, pure love, and nothing about this lifetime even matters. It's kind of like being high, but it's not a chemical induced delusion. It's a real experience, a real connection to Heaven and the infinite flow of God's love.

The Kiss,  Gustav Klimt

     You have had these experiences too, these moments of detachment where you feel that beautiful connection to something much bigger than you. Maybe you felt it when you held your child for the first time and looked into her eyes and saw your soul and her soul forever intertwined and you understood that this person is someone you have always known and whom you have been connected with forever. Maybe with a sibling or a best friend where you laughed so hard for so long that time seemed to stop and nothing else mattered. Maybe you have been so in love with someone that when your lips met you lost track of where you end and he or she begins and all sense of anyone and anything else in the world disappeared. Maybe you have had an experience where you felt the presence of a passed loved one so strongly in a song, or a smell or a sign from nature that you felt completely loved and just knew that everything is as it should be. These are moments when we connect with heaven. Heaven ISN'T too far away. It is right here in all of the love relationships in our lives when you let down the barriers of ego and exist in a state of complete vulnerability with another soul. God is the essence of your soul. When two souls connect, regardless of the relationship, you experience God's pure love... and then you are experiencing heaven.
Chocolate cake is divine, and tropical islands are paradise, but despite the opinion of Marie Antoinette, eating cake won't make you happy. And you can be miserable in a place called paradise if your heart is longing for love. The answer to all your emotional needs is found in loving other people. All people. Open your heart. Bare your soul. And when others bare theirs to you, let them see yours, and you can be in heaven every day of your life.

(Thank you God and Archangel Gabriel for today's divine inspiration.... and for the feather that just floated onto my keyboard!)
(Greater than 3)

I'm Coming Out!

I want the world to know! Not that I'm a lesbian... that's not what I meant. (But I do love love love all of my gay friends and deeply admire their courage to be themselves in a world that tells them they shouldn't.) But I do need to find courage to be honest with you about who I really am. Here goes:

I see dead people.

There. I said it. I see them, hear them, smell them sometimes, feel them. Always have, but was always afraid to tell people. I was afraid of what people might think. Afraid that they wouldn't believe me. Afraid maybe it was all in my head.  Okay, so there's more. It's not just dead people. I talk to angels. (they call me out by my name.) I've seen Jesus. I've seen Mary. I've seen future events. I'm empathic. I'm telepathic. I've fought demons. And I have had the extreme joy of helping people I love heal.

Wow this sounds crazy!

The thing is, I don't need validation anymore. I know what I am. I know what I can do. And I know now that my life's purpose is to help people find love, find happiness and reconnect with the divine. It is something I just do. I don't make a living from it. I have a job. This is my calling. And I know now, that in order to move forward with it, I have to embrace who I am without fear of rejection from skeptics, without shame, and with total faith.

Enough about me. It is not i who is the important one. i am just a vessel for God's love. All i do is transmit His message of love. And the message is this:

You are not alone. You are never alone. God, the creator, by whatever name you choose to call Him (or Her) is infused in your atomic structure. Your soul is a direct extension of Him. We are all connected to one another, to Him and to everything in the universe. There are no coincidences, just God's hand. You have been given free will. So you can choose to accept His love or you can choose to ignore it. Because of this free will, He can only help you if you ask. The angels act as his hands. They too are an extension of his Light. They exist on another plane and work only to serve His will. If you pray for help, they are the ones who orchestrate it. You are assigned a guardian angel who never leaves your side. This angel hears your every thought. He or she knows who you are in your soul. He or she grieves when you grieve and rejoices when you rejoice. If you ask for a sign of your Guardian Angel's presence, he or she will make himself known in some small way that will be meaningful to you. They want you to feel their presence, but when they try to get your attention, you doubt your senses.

The world we live in has become a dark place. As an empath, I can feel the sorrow and the joy around me. When I touch you, I can feel your pain, your fear and your anger. I know the world is suffering because I suffer with you. We have become disillusioned with the corruption of organized religion and government. We have given up on faith. It's not cool to say, I love God and I rejoice in His presence in my life.We are so afraid of judgement. We are afraid of everything.

The devil does exist. Make no mistake about that. he works very hard to pull us away from joy, happiness, peace and faith. he finds the cracks in our faith. he instills fear, doubt and insecurity. But he is not invincible. he cannot stand in a room where God's light is present. When you pray, even the simplest prayer... help me, God.... I need You, God... protect me, God... the darkness is vanquished. 

DO NOT BE AFRAID! YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!

You are a beautiful child of God. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve peace. You can have all those things if you reconnect with God. 

That is the message I was supposed to give. I thank Archangel Gabriel who is ever by my side to help me find the words of God's love. My only intention with this blog has ever been to spread love and help people experience their connection with the Divine. I have been afraid to come out and say it. I understand now that the fear was the darkness trying to hold me back. When I am successful, when people reconnect, evil loses its grasp.  I am a threat. I see myself as a warrior. I serve God. And I am willing to put myself in the face of evil because I know that I have God's armor protecting me.

If my love of God and my mission offends you, scares you or makes you uncomfortable, i will not apologize for it. You don't have to hear or read my words. I wish you well, and pray that you are surrounded in divine love. May you find your way wherever you may go.

It is my intention that anyone who lays eyes upon this page is surrounded the lovely pink light of divine Love (brought to you by the everloving Archangel Chamuel <3) and that you may find joy in this moment. Namaste, my friends.

 In Spanish, they say "Vios con dios," Go with God.                                 

May you do just that. 

The Waaaaaiiiiiiting Is The Hardest Part

     Divine Timing: This is the idea that everything that is supposed to happen will happen only when it is supposed to happen. No sooner, no later. Divine timing sucks. Well, not really. When we experience an event that we sense was divinely timed, we are always so grateful for the experience. We say things like, "Hindsite is 20/20," or "It was just meant to be," or "You see, everything happens for a reason." But when we are on the waiting end of divine timing, it just sucks. "I don't understand!" "When is my ship going to come in?" "Why can't I catch a break?" "What did I do to deserve this?" Sometimes we get angry with God. Sometimes we question our faith all together. Divine timing comes with lessons.

     It feels like I am always learning the lesson of divine timing. I used to think it was patience, but now I realize it's actually a lesson of surrender, letting go of the illusion of control and just going with the flow of the universe. It's not easy. It comes with feelings of anger, grief, longing, fear, and sometimes that feeling like someone ripped out your heart and stabbed it with a large sword over and over and over again. Sometimes it's small things, like waiting for a check and fearing that you won't eat next week or that you might lose your car or house, only to find the check in the mail the day before everything is due. Sometimes it's big things, like waiting for love or a life changing career opportunity, or a baby. I know a lot of people waiting for big things.

     Many of you already know the long story of how I waited for my second daughter after 2 years of trying and miscarriages. Many of you lived through it, and supported me during that awful time. Some of you are experiencing similar challenges right now, and have endured so much more than I did and are still waiting. But the point is, my little monkey came on March 9, 2009. This date is significant. At some point during the ordeal, I remember just saying, "Our baby is there somewhere in heaven, waiting to come to us. He will get here when he is ready. When the stars are perfectly aligned. When one specific sperm meets one specific egg. When everything is perfect." And, she did. I never had any doubt that I would have her. I knew she was coming, and because I knew with every fiber of my being, I was trying to bring her here when I wanted her." I did a whole lot of praying during that time. At some point my prayers shifted from asking to get pregnant to asking for strength to endure the wait. I had a very close relationship with my late great-grandmother, Teresa. I always have. I look to her for guidance, I have seen her in dreams and she has greatly influenced my spiritual path. She supported me from "the other side" in so many ways, that when my daughter was finally born, I gave her the middle name Terese in her honor. I loved that she was born on 3/9/09 because I love numbers, and 3s and 9s have great significance to me. However, what I would find out 2 years later is that the date is even more special than I could then realize. My great-grandmother Teresa was an immigrant from Italy in the early 1900's. When she came through Ellis Island, like many immigrants, her records were distorted and confused. For some reason, my family always celebrated her birthday in January. One day last year, I came across some papers at my parents' house from my dad's family, and found 2 references for my great grandmother's birthdate. One just said March ?. The other said March 9. MARCH 9TH?! What?????!!!! My little monkey, who was named after her, she who spiritually held my hand through the entire journey, was born on her birthday! Coinicidence? No such thing. God's hand. Divine timing. Everything was as it should be. God's plan, not mine. 

     And here we are. Waiting. All of us are waiting for something, aren't we? That next big idea, that financial windfall, that precious baby, that true love, that moment when we finally arrive. It's not easy. It sucks. It hurts. Sometimes it downright makes you physically ill. I urge you not to lose faith, though. It will happen when it's supposed to. No sooner. No later. And all we can really do is pray for strength and help each other endure. And we will endure. Each and every one of us will get through. I promise. This too shall pass.  Until then, I pray that you are surrounded by love and light, and that you find joy in the small moments in between. Because, really, that's all we can do, be present in THIS moment.

You Can Rain On My Parade, But I'll Only Sing Louder!

I'm standing in the rain again.
              I watch the droplets fall.
                           My makeup washes down my chin,
                                     Clothes cling to my goosebumped flesh.
                                               My hair sitcks to my neck.
                                                I am exposed.
                                                           I'm standing in the rain again.
                                                               Teardrops stain my cheeks.
                                                                      The walls are crumbling.
                                                                          The roof is leaking.
                                                                               I can smell the growing mold.
                                                                                     I am lost.
                                                                 I'm standing in the rain again.
                                                    I cannot make it stop.
                                       Children are crying.
                                         The government's lying.
                              And my tea is getting cold.
                  I am helpless.
I'm standing the rain again.
                I can't see the road ahead.
                          It twists and turns.
                                   My socks are wet.
                                       All I can do is walk.
                                                    I am walking.
                                                        I'm walking in the rain again.
                                                               Not sure what's round that bend.
                                                                                One step closer to the light.
                                                                                          I hear a song of Grace.
                                                                                         It is Amazing.                                                     
                                                                                 I am singing.
                                                               I'm singing in the rain again,
                                                             As I'm often apt to do.
                                                       The harder it pours,
                                                  The louder I sing.
                                             I will not be drowned out.
                                I'm laughing at the rain again as I travel the road less taken.
                                        I will not be forsaken.
                              Do not be mistaken.
                You can not hold me down.
The twists, the turns, the aching burn of doubt and fear of the dark.
                                      These things make me pause, but I won't serve their cause.
                                              I will walk. I will laugh.
                                                      I will dance and I'll sing on this long and winding road.
                                   Sometimes it will rain.
                                               Sometimes I'll feel pain, but I'll never lay down my load.

       For I know in the end, when I turn that last bend my Home will be warm and dry.

And I'll remember the love and the hurt and the pain and the lessons I was slow to learn.

And I'll have no regrets for the life that I led as I sang and I danced in the rain.             

              

Tick Tock- Click: Persistence Of Memory - Insistence Of Time

     "Where does the time go?" That's what a colleague said the other day when looking at a recent photo of my now 7 year old "Angel baby." (Funny how we watch our own kids grow, but are always surprised to that other people's kids have grown at the same time.) This comment, so cliche that it almost means nothing when we say it caused me to pause. While I jokingly said that I wouldn't mind time speeding up a bit so can get my little one out of the terrible twos and past the torturous threes (which are actually worse than two), in my head I was having a conversation with myself that I need to take more mental pictures.
    What are mental pictures? They are memories, of course, but somehow they are more. It's something I started doing when I was studying abroad in Costa Rica. In the rainforest, everything is beautiful. Breath-takingly beautiful. There's an energy that can't be described that emanates from the abundant life around you. There's an awareness of how small you are, how insignificant your life is, and how interconnected the world around us is. You want to take pictures of everything......but your pictures just pale in comparison. I remember hiking with my friends through this secret trail that led to the most magnificent waterfall and thinking, "How could I possibly capture this on film. There is no way that anyone could appreciate this from a photograph. I am just going to have to remember this moment perfectly in my mind." So I took a deep breath. I inhaled the unique smell of life and death that permeates the tropical air. I focused my attention on the cool mist that blew off the waterfall leaving tiny drops of water on my cheeks. I remember the air pressure changing abruptly and the wind getting cooler as a sudden thunderstorm muddied the trail such that I had to grip deep rooted blades of grass to pull me up the steep incline. I stopped,  focusing all my senses on that moment. I was determined to capture it in my mind forever. That's what I call a mental picture. Being totally present in the moment and savoring every sensation so that I have a perfect memory...

 Salvador Dali  "Persistence of Memory"

      Since then, I have remembered to do this at key moments in my life. For example, I can recall almost every minute of my wedding day from my morning yoga practice in my backyard, to the MTV special that happened to be on about the shortest marriages ever, to the moment I became Mrs. Jones, to Viennese hour during which I was determined to taste EVERY single dessert. And I remember exactly how it felt to give birth to each of my children....the unique sensation of my body doing everything it was designed to do. These were important milestones of my life, memories I was determined to capture. But what about all the moments in between: the bedtime stories, the walks in the park, the days at the beach or on the playground, the gymnastics practices, the games of Uno, the stolen kisses, the 100 second hugs, the ice cream sundaes. Are these moments spent with my family not equally important?
       No one was happier that I was at 11:59:59 on December 31, 2011. I don't know what it is, but 2012 seems to have so much promise. I bubble up with excitement when I think about all of the things I am determined to do in the days and months ahead. I feel like a phoenix that has risen up to reclaim life. I want to push my boundaries. I want to open my mind and heart,  and really live this life I have been given. And yet some days I find myself furious at the pile of dishes in the sink, at my wits end with my clingy kid who really just wants some attention, and positively irate that there's a pile of papers that need grading. I waste so much energy sometimes thinking about what I'd rather be doing instead of appreciating the moment I am currently in. The next big moment, that next great milestone is down the road. It's not going to get any closer or farther away whether I think about it or not. But my daughters are getting bigger by the second. Eventually my clingy toddler will be rolling her eyes when I tell her I love her. The pile of dishes will be smaller because I won't have to feed a full table and the pile of papers to grade will be a distant memory of some of the best years of my life.
     The truth is that time doesn't go anywhere. We move through time. And if we spend all of our time thinking about the next great moment in our lives, we will miss all of the precious wonderful moments in between. Living in the the moment- remembering to capture those mental pictures- is not always as easy as it seems. It's a discipline. It takes practice. We have to slow our minds down and take inventory of each of our senses and breath in the love and light around us. I may never achieve that perfect zen where I live authentically in each moment, but I can try. And in 2075, when I look back on my life, I can only hope that I have accumulated more mental pictures than vague memories.
     So now, if you will excuse me, I have some kisses to collect, some bedtime stories to read, a cup of green tea to savour and some love to soak up. Hopefully, I won't yell at my iron and when my head hits that pillow, and I'll remember to count all of the blessings in my life, for they are far more than I could possible ever deserve.  

The Spirit of ChristmaHanuKwanzYule?

     I'm feeling rapt today. That's right, I said rapt, as is full of divine light and love. As in my humble heart is overflowing with the pure joy of living. It started at lunch when I was contemplating my apple. I had been frustrated and complaining about trivial things that have no real importance. Thinking about money while I mindlessly picked the crust off my rye bread. Then I took a bite of my apple; debatably, nature's most perfect food. It really is a beautiful thing, the apple. The ovary of the apple blossom, swollen with sugars to nurture the seeds of the apple tree. Each and every seed has the potential to grow into a tree that will bear thousands of new apples with thousands of seeds that have the potential to produce thousands more, that can produce thousands more, and thousands more.....ad infinitum. And here I sit eating this fruit, tasting the sugar on my tongue while the sweet juice lingers on my lips, and I think of the sun. The cells of the leaves of the mother plant that created this most perfect food captured the energy of that sacred star without which we could not survive. The energy of the sun trapped in every bond attaching carbon atom to carbon atom. (I'm sorry....did you forget I teach science?....I didn't mean to be tangental...)
     As I was saying, the sun.....the giver of life, emanating pure energy. How can this not be divine? I don't know to whom you pray. It really doesn't matter to me if you love Jesus and Mary as I do, or if you just concede that there must be a higher intelligence that created us all. How do you not see divinity in such perfections of nature? The ancient cultures worshipped the sun. They saw its divine perfection, and celebrated its return at the Winter Solstice. They gave it many different names, but almost all of them acknowledged the importance of the solstice as the coming of the light. Today, we are in our orbit, the closest to this most heavenly body. Although the darkness will seem unbearable today, tomorrow will bring a tiny bit more light. Day after day, a bit more light.  It is no coincidence that we Christians celebrate the birth of our Savior during this ancient feast week. Jesus is the "Light of the World," the light of hope.
     Lots of people celebrate Christmas who don't believe in His divinity. And you hear lots and lots of people, regardless of their faith (or lack there of) talk about "The Spirit of the Season." Universally, it represents giving.....whether of time, or self or money or gifts. Some people speak of forgiveness as being the "Spirit" of the holiday. Others emphatically insist that you should only be celebrating if you are a believer. But the world is a very diverse place. And I think that God comes to each of us in His (or Her) own way. And so there is no right or wrong faith. Ultimately, most of us who believe in a God of some sort, come to the understanding that whoever your God is, GOD IS LOVE. And the way to a peaceful world is to open our hearts to give and receive that love unconditionally. On December 25, I celebrate the birth of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Yes, it is also Yule, the coming of the light, as well as (this year) part of the "Festival of Lights."And with what little I know of Kwanzaa, I do know that the principles basically acknowledge the importance of being humble and grateful for the gifts of the world in which we live. Isn't that all sort of the same thing?
    Many of you have become disillusioned with "The Holidays." You're frustrated with the materialism, lack of faith and/or hypocrisy of other people. But the way I see it, the "holiday spirit" has nothing to do with other people. The "holiday spirit"..... the Christmas Spirit..... is something I retain in MY heart. I am celebrating the life of my Lord and Savior. I am trying in my own humble way to exemplify His teachings and spread His light and love. But curiously, those other things that people who are not Christian refer to as "the holiday spirit" all fall within His teachings. And so, as far as I see it, His Light shines on everyone who shows compassion, generosity and forgiveness whether they are believers or not.
     I would never tell anyone else what they should believe. I only know what I know. And I can only do what I do. When I take nourishment from that apple, that divinely perfect food, I eventually toss away the seeds. Many of the seeds will not germinate. But if even one does, it has potential to bear fruit that will eventually come to seed, and grow and fruit, and reseed. That's the Christmas Spirit. The idea that when we act in the spirit of goodness and light we might inspire another to do the same, regardless of faith or religious persuasion. We are eating from the divine fruit of love and tossing away the seeds. Some will be inspired and the seed will germinate and bear fruit. Others may not. But all it takes is one seed of goodness and love to germinate with the potential to parent many many more fruits, all of which bear seeds that might be planted. And this is what I believe is the coming of the light. This growing movement of acceptance, compassion, respect and universal love. This is the Christmas Spirit, whether you want to call it that or not.

So Merry Christmas, my friends.  Happy Hanukkah. A Blessed Yule. And Happy Kwanzaa.

Whatever you are celebrating, do just that. Celebrate! Celebrate life and love and goodness and be rapt as you wrap!      

For The Grace of God

By the grace of God, i opened my eyes to the light of new day's dawn.
By the grace of God, i heard His sigh in the breath of my little one's yawn.

When i stepped in the warmth of liquid joy as i washed the sleep from my skin,
i felt His embrace as He cleansed my body and my heart and soul from within.

With each bite that i take, with each sip to my lips, i taste His abundant life.
And i know when i walk, with each step that i make he will carry me through any strife.

Sometimes when i look to my left and my right, i know that there's no one there.
But i'm never alone as i feel His peace fills me up with each breath of blessed air.

At night i kneel down before Him:
Please give me protection, show me direction, take my hand and lead the way.
Help me to serve You, for i do not deserve Your infinite love every day.

i look into darkness no longer with fear that i carried in younger years.
With each move that i make, with each breath that i take, i'm so humbled it brings me to tears.

So i thank You for Your love and light.  Forgive me for i'm so flawed.
Open my heart and show me the way, i promise You won't be ignored.

Behold Your handmaid.
                                i surrender my will.
                                                   For i'm Yours today and until....